When I became involved with the ministry that dominated my life for 15 years, I was an energetic teenager who loved God and just wanted to help people. When I left that ministry, I was a broken down and bitter man who was barely holding on to my relationship with God. It says a lot that the result of 15 years in a ministry was the personal devastation of all that was good in my life.
I have spent many years of my life living with a pain I could barely endure because of what I allowed myself to become and do in the name of God. I spent years of my life cowering in fear of terminal retribution by God for things I had done, said and allowed while serving as His minister. I spent years of my life wondering and questioning whether I had lost all my eternal rewards and perhaps even my eternal life because of what I had done or allowed to be done.
God knows that I repented of my sins many years ago. God knows how deeply sorry I am for letting Him down and allowing corrupt people to lead me astray and I in turn lead others astray. God knows the pain that even now dwells in my soul as I remember what a monster I became and how deeply I hurt others. God knows what I did and yet He has allowed me to live a quiet life with a beautiful and loving wife, writing blogs and at times being involved with helping others. How could God do such a thing?
God has forgiven me because He loves me and He is a God of mercy. Without God’s mercy I would have died in 1985 on a cliff in Colorado, in 1987 in a tornado in Kansas, in 1991 in a tornado in Missouri or on and operating table in 1998 in Kansas. God had numerous opportunities to “kill me off”, but He didn’t. Why didn’t He?
The only explanation is MERCY. God had mercy on me and by His grace He gave me one more chance to prove my heart is pure and the bad things I did many years ago were because of wrong teaching, immaturity and manipulation. With all of my heart I have sought to be what God wants me to be (and no more), do what He wants me to do (and no more) and live the way He wants me to live. In so doing all of these things He has blessed me with a quiet and peaceful life lived in Godliness and honesty.
Because of how God has dealt with me, reproved me, corrected me and instructed me in His righteous ways; I have absolutely no doubt as to how great is His love, grace and MERCY. The very life I live is because of His love and forgiveness in my life. Let me say again, if God wanted to punish me I would have perished long ago or be locked up in prison somewhere. Since I am very much alive and free to live my simple life as a testament to His grace, love and mercy; I know (better than most people on earth) that God is LOVE, His MERCY has spared my life and His GRACE has allowed me to live.