One day, a number of months after my ordeal on the mountain in 1984, I finally allowed myself to be personally confronted by my Lord regarding where and how I had allowed my life to fall away from Him. There are few things as intense in this life as having one’s life torn apart by brutal honesty and one’s feeble excuses for not manifesting faith exposed and thrown away.
After running from God for quite awhile I finally took the time in 1995 to let Him minister to my heart. Although the outcome was wonderful, the steps that led there were some of the most difficult in my life. Time and time again my Lord confronted my unbelief, bad habits and laziness. Time and time again I initially tried to justify myself until I was sternly reminded that it is Christ who justifies me and not B2Y.
I vividly remember one very intense time when the very root of my underlying problems was being confronted. I remember feeling like Jonah as I stubbornly sought to hold onto to my illogical logic and selfish pride. Every time I was confronted by the Lord I had an answer that diverted blame away from me to those who had wrongly taught me or done me wrong. Each time I responded by trying to rationalize my actions instead of just being honest.
It is SO easy to fall into the trap of self deception. It is SO easy to talk the good talk but not do it because it is inconvenient or difficult. This, my friends, is the very definition of hypocrisy. It took many grueling and intense hours before I finally broke down and accepted the fact that I had become a hypocrite without even knowing it.
I had drifted into a state of believing I did not have to do what I taught because I had already done it. I had fallen for the oldest trick in the book which is to reach the point where you believe you can be in fellowship even though you are walking in darkness.
Much is said and taught about brokenness, but I can assure you that to ever actually reach that state it takes more honesty and willingness to accept the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth than most people are willing to handle. It is only when a person reaches the point where they no longer have anything to hide, nothing to seek a Godly excuse for and nothing off limits in their life that brokenness can be achieved.
Pride, arrogance, stubbornness and deception must be stripped away and blown up before brokenness can be reached. Every bridge to the past must be burned and every escape route to the feeble excuses for not fully trusting God must be demolished if we want to reach the point of being broken so that God can put us together.
If we want to walk for and serve God, we must cease fighting Him and His Word. If we want to enjoy all the promises of God we must eliminate the desire to do things on our terms. If we want to be totally open and honest before God, we must cut off all escape routes to the past and destroy our lust for self sufficiency. Utterly baring our souls before God allows God to bind up our wounds and restore us in His love.