I am ashamed by how far I fell and humbled by how much God loved me to rescue me

In 1969 God rescued me from many things, including emotional and genetic flaws.  I know this and as long as I believed it, I was able to walk for God withstanding the ups and downs associated with living.  With time, I drifted away from the reality of what happened in 1969 and slowly migrated back to the way I used to be emotionally and subjected myself to the genetic weaknesses bred into me.

We are who and what we are due to a combination of genetics, environment, experience and instruction.  The enemy knows this and devotes massive resources to research and watch God’s people so as to find weak points to aim his fiery darts at and to exploit via temptation or pressure.  It is no secret that the enemy knows us, not by what and who we are on the inside, but by what and who we are on the outside.

Our enemy, satan, patiently waits for a time when he thinks he can beat us.  Even during times of peace and rest he is lurking in the shadows laying traps, planning schemes and setting up things to steal, kill or destroy us.  Jesus Christ knew this and dealt with it every day of His life.   It would serve us well to know and do the same.

When I look back on what took place in my life between 1969 and 1984 it is no mystery how and why I fell so far as to even consider taking my life.  In the course of 15 years, the enemy slowly wove a spider web of deceit and lies that in due time, out of both ignorance and stupidity, I got caught up in and trapped by.  It was not God’s fault I ended up where I did, it was my own because I knew better.  But, because God knew my heart still belonged to Him, He delivered me.

If someone with 15 years of intensive Biblical research could fall prey to the slyness of the enemy, what about someone with only a casual knowledge of the Bible or none at all?  If someone who knew all about the devil’s schemes fell for them anyway, what about someone who doesn’t even know or believer there is a devil?

Suicide is the ultimate goal of the enemy.  As the god of death, he wants nothing more than to kill a person, especially if they are a child of God.  For the enemy to succeed he must set a trap custom made for the victim and the victim must willingly be led as sheep for the slaughter into that trap.

There is absolutely nothing in this life I am more ashamed of (and I have plenty to be ashamed of) than that I put myself in a position where unless the Lord personally intervened, I would have allowed the enemy to kill me.  I could have kept this a secret for no one knew what happened that day except me.  But I have known for nearly 30 years that one day I was expected to share my testimony for the sake of others.  Guess what, you are the people who get to hear my story.

The next two days, God willing, I will lay out what led up to the events of November 22, 1984.  I cannot adequately write this in my normal 500 word blogs so if you have the time and patience to read what I have to say, I think it will be worth it to you.

If the following song had been in existence back in 1984 it would have summed up my life at the time.  It wasn’t but it is now.  “In the storm” by Casting Crowns continues to be in my personal top five favorite songs and I leave it with you today.




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