17
Sep
08

URGENT: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE–UNITED STATES TREASURY HAS SUCCEEDED IN GROWING MONEY TREE

*******************URGENT: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE****************

UNITED STATES TREASURY HAS SUCCEEDED IN GROWING THEIR FIRST MONEY TREE

Yes, it is true folks; The United States Treasury Department has finally succeeded in growing their first money. Deep in a top secret wing of the Department’s headquarters, top economists working with scientists have perfected the planting, watering and growing of the panacea to all that ails this country. Word out of Sweden is that those involved with the research will surely win the Nobel Prize next year.

Background:

For many years, our government have been searching for the evasive secret to growing the money tree which would solve their problems. Various attempts were made in the past to grow such a tree, but they were met with frustration as they failed to ever produce one dollar. Scientists and economists in Washington looked with envy on many other countries in the world and their successful money tree ventures. Word has it that many of the top people working on this project took a trip to Zimbabwe last winter to learn the secret of the perpetual money tree that country developed.

The Need for the Tree

There is no questioning why there needs to be a money tree in Washington. There is simply no other way for the government to keep paying billions and billions of dollars for everything under the sun. In order to keep everyone happy and prosperous, the need for developing the money tree was crucial. Due to the sub-prime crisis, the wars oversees and the financial sector’s demise; an ultimatum was given to the researchers to get the tree grown “or else”.

Success

Last week, the first few branches emerged on the money tree when the government agreed to “officially” take over Fannie May and Freddie Mac. Amazingly, at the same time the announcement was made regarding this takeover; scientists poured some magic liquid on the soil and out popped the money tree, complete with branches full of money! The elation in the room was intense and the smiles on the faces of those present lit up the room.

Final Success

Today, in an unexpected development; the government announced it was going to pay 85 billion dollars to rescue AIG from collapse. In return, the government will take over 80% of the company. Amazingly, at the very moment this was announced, the money tree grew ten feet and sprouted numerous new branches loaded with money. Now there were no more smiles, there was clapping and yelling and hooting and hollering. Finally, the money tree was flourishing.

What this means

Now that the money tree is growing, there should be no problem with the government bailing out and taking over any and all floundering businesses. This is great news for all the companies teetering on bankruptcy. Rumor has it that General Motors, Ford and Chrysler are scheduled to meet with the Treasury Department soon to see how much the money tree has for each of them. Many of the airline carriers are rumored to making reservations to see the money tree next.

There is now discussions under way to send out new “economic stimulus checks”. Instead of there only being a few thousand dollars, the next batch will be for a minimum of $20,000. Every taxpayer in the country would qualify as long as they paid at least $20,000 in taxes this year. For anyone who paid less, they would lose all rights to the money tree.

Conclusion

Now that the money tree is alive and growing, there should be no problem for every American to have all the money they need or want, compliments of the Treasury Department. If they are behind on their mortgage payments; no problem, just sign your house over to the government and you have 5 seconds to grab as much money as you can off the money tree. For those having troubles paying all their bills each month; there will be “money tree debit cards” issued which allow each person to charge all they want on credit cards and home equity lines and then pay it all off using the “money tree debit card”.

There are some who oppose the money tree, but they are dismissed as “uninformed”, “out of touch” or just plain crazy. The vast majority of people are overjoyed to have personal access to the money tree and see their government have unlimited access also. It appears everyone is happy with the new money tree for it allows everyone to get whatever they want, whenever they want it and never have to pay anything to get it. What a wonderful country we now live in!! No wonder everyone wants to move here. America, land of the free money and home of the fools.

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